Letting Go - Book Tour and Giveaway

What would you do if your religion forced you to choose between the church and your children?

Letting Go
How a Family Crisis Brought Clarity and Authenticity
by Lisa Hoelzer
Genre: Memoir 

What would you do if your religion forced you to choose between the church and your children?

That's the dilemma Lisa Hoelzer faced after raising her four children within the confines of a strict, high-demand religion that dictated almost every aspect of their lives, from how they dressed to what they ate to how they used their time. Her vision of their ideal future started to change, however, when one child announced they were bisexual. Then another made a similar declaration. Additionally, her children struggled with anxiety and depression-conditions the church didn't prepare Hoelzer to deal with. If she followed the church's restrictive teachings, Hoelzer would have to turn her back on her beloved offspring. For this and other reasons, Hoelzer's small misgivings about the church grew into large objections.

Letting Go recounts the story of how, when faced with a transformational crisis that could have destroyed her family, Hoelzer chose a difficult and forbidden path that would change her world and theirs for the better. 

This is a book for anyone struggling to push ahead when there doesn't seem to be an easy or obvious path. Whether you're deconstructing religion or parenting a teen struggling with mental health, this insightful book will engage you with its thought-provoking ideas. With warmth, vulnerability, and insight, Hoelzer empowers readers to accept their children as they are and step into their more authentic selves. 


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​Many parents in our faith community would be distressed by this conversation, particularly the lack of interest in church. They would worry about their child following the precepts of the gospel and qualifying for heaven, and they would worry about the cohesiveness of their eternal family. “What if everyone else in the family made it to heaven, but this one child wasn’t there with us?” they might ask themselves. That would be tragic. I’ve heard a saying from members of our church: “No empty chairs in heaven.” Each person has a seat at the table, and if one of them doesn’t make it to heaven, there will be an empty chair, and the rest of the family members will be forlorn.
Bryan and I have both felt for years that this was a manipulative and fear-based concept. It implies that everyone must be the same and take the same path or something has gone horribly wrong. It also implies a lack of long-term perspective. Life is long. Sometimes children finding their own way come back to the church eventually, especially if they are treated with kindness and acceptance during their time away. The people who use this saying are well-meaning, but in essence it is a form of coercion to get your children to act how you want them to.
Bryan and I had decided long ago that instead of having a family motto centered on no empty chairs in heaven, we would focus on having no empty chairs at our earthly table. We wanted everyone in our family to feel comfortable with us and accepted by us, not judged for their actions or for who they are. We didn’t care what the church told us to do, we were going to keep our children close.
Needless to say, I was not distressed by Brooke’s answer. I understood that, in general, many people do not have the same interest in the church that I have, and I could especially understand why an LGBTQ person would not want to be involved. I was happy to set Brooke free of the restrictions of the church. I felt calm and comfortable with the idea that she would not participate in or be a part of the church anymore. But of course, there was that nagging thought in the back of my mind that I should care more, I should be more distressed. If I were a true believer, I would strongly desire that my family, as well as everyone else in the world, join and stay in the church.

Lisa Hoelzer took being a stay-at-home mom to her four children very seriously. She studied parenting books and worked hard to improve and grow as a parent. She eventually created her own paradigm for parenting, which you can find at www.betterwayparenting.net.

An avid learner, Lisa has a bachelors in chemistry and a masters in social work. She is a lifelong student of the human psyche, including motivations, biases, mind management, and mental health. She writes about mind management on Medium. Lisa loves to read, write, and discover more about the world. Her other interests include anti-racism, LGTBQ-allyship, and spirituality after religion.

Her memoir, Letting Go: How a Family Crisis Brought Clarity and Authenticity will be out in October 2023. An essay based on an excerpt from the book was published in the literary journal Academy of Heart and Mind in November, 2022. She and her family have lived in New Orleans, Minnesota, and Utah.


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​8 Ways Parents Can Help Depressed and Anxious Teens

The number of teens in the US struggling with mental illness is on the rise. If you are or will be a parent of a teen, read on for eight ways to help your child get the treatment they need. 

1.    Try out a few different therapists before settling on one. 
When you know your child is in pain, you want to get help right away. But the first therapist you try will likely not be the right fit for your child. On average, it takes meeting with four therapists before finding one your child connects with. Let your child meet with each prospective therapist for at least fifteen minutes and then discuss how the child felt about it. This is, of course, the ideal situation. Sometimes geography or insurance can be impediments. 

2.    Try out a few different medications before giving up. 
If you’re new to antidepressant medications, you might be surprised at how long it can take to find the right prescription and get the correct dosage. Your primary care provider will make an educated guess to start with and have you return in 4-8 weeks to see how it’s going. If that medication isn’t effective, he or she might change the medicine or change the dosage. This can happen multiple times until you find what works for your child. The provider may also try adding a second medication. Be patient with the process. 

3.    Know that for some people, going on anti-depressant medications increases the risk of suicide attempt. 
This is the tricky part about waiting for that medication to start working effectively. In the meantime, you need to be monitoring your child’s thoughts of self-harm. Most parents don’t know how to talk openly about suicide, but now is the time to get comfortable with it. I highly recommend taking QPR training (like CPR but for mental health) to learn the latest recommendations and strategies for open conversations with your child about his or her mental health. Also, order a lockbox and keep all medications locked away. Give your child a day-of-the-week dispenser and fill it weekly.

4.    An inpatient behavioral health unit can be helpful.
If you end up having to place your child in an inpatient behavioral health unit (also known as a psychiatric ward), it’s common to feel discouraged about your parenting skills or your child’s future. But this treatment does not mean anything negative about either of those things. Most youth who have a brief stay in one of these units improve and become fully functioning adults. Time in an inpatient behavioral health unit can be beneficial for your child’s recovery. 

5.    Talk about your own struggles. 
I thought it was my job as a parent to always be positive. My husband and I did not talk about our frustrations with extended family members, our struggles through graduate school and early career, or our internal battles with rumination or self-dislike. But when our children started fighting depression and anxiety, we realized this might not be the best strategy. A therapist pointed out that to our children, it looks like things have always been easy for us. In my memoir Letting Go, I describe how we kept a family timeline of all the happy events in our family’s lives. Later we decided to redo the timeline and include any struggles along the way. 

6.    Try any and all treatments. 
When you are desperate to help your child feel better, you’re willing to try new things. You never know what is going to work for your child. Psychologists and health care providers can offer ketamine therapy, transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), or EMDR. Nontraditional healers can provide acupuncture, reiki, energy healing, meditation, yoga, or sound baths. Many people also swear by certain diet changes such as dairy or gluten free. Research the options and follow your intuition. You and your child will know what treatments to try. 

7.    Make sure the foundation is good.
Getting back to the basics can make a profound difference. If your child is struggling with mental health, encourage the following to ensure a solid foundation: daily movement (exercise), adequate sleep, social time with family or friends, good nutrition (whatever that means for you), and plenty of sunlight/time in nature. You can’t always make your child do these things, but you can talk about their importance, encourage your child, and create situations where these things can happen. 

8.    Do your own work so that you can accept and love them as they are. 
Because of my religious background, I had strong ideas of how my kids should be. I wanted them to be active in our church, have no tattoos, piercings or unnatural hair colors, and I certainly didn’t like the idea of mental health struggles. That did not fit into my plan or the future I had envisioned for them. But when my teenagers started pushing against these expectations and also experiencing depression and anxiety, I had to rethink what kind of parent I wanted to be. After identifying my preconceived notions, I asked myself if I wanted to keep them given my new circumstances. I worked hard to rearrange my priorities and excavate my religious training in order to fully accept and love my children for who they are. 

If your teen is experiencing depression or anxiety, you are not alone. There are many resources and guides out there to help you. Start with these eight tips and don’t give up hope.

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